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SEGMENT #5 - DESERT ASS
INT. WHITE ROOM
MIKE BASH stands alone. He squirts something in his hand, and reaches into the back of his pants. SQUISH. SQUISH. SQUISH. CLOSE ON the man’s face. He grimaces. Then smiles. Begins to PANT and MOAN in ecstasy. He is very, very sweaty. Suddenly, Megan approaches. The man looks up.
MIKE BASH
Oh! Hi there. You must be wondering what I’m doin’. Well, you won’t be surprised to learn that I’m just applying some DESERT ASS to my rear area.
The man smiles and winks at the camera.
SANTA CLAUS (V.O.)
MIKE BASH (CONT’D) DESERT ASS. Swamp ass be gone! He turns to Megan.
MIKE BASH
Does your ass sweat?
MEGAN
Uh... Actually -
MIKE BASH
Of course it does! But no worries! You don’t need to put up with that sweaty ass any more! Here. Try it!
The man hands Megan the tube. She squirts some into her hand.
MIKE BASH (CONT’D)
Careful. That’s toxic!
The handsome man laughs and laughs. Megan looks at him funny.
MIKE BASH (CONT’D)
You think I need you? Huh?
The Handsome Man turns back to the camera. Smiles.
MIKE BASH (CONT’D)
I always used to say to myself, “Damn it, you worthless fool! The man at the bowling alley was right! No one would miss you if you died, and you belong in a cage with a bunch of nasty, smelly zoo animals, with their smelly asses and faces!” But now that my ass is dry, I’m finally happy. I love myself for who I am. And I love my ass, because it’s dry. And I love to sing, ‘cuz song is sweet. And I love the first sign of summer’s heat. And I love the jingle jangle of spare pocket change, and spendin’ that money on apple sauce and canned goods. Because when the apocalypse comes, and it’s comin’, I’ll have plenty to go around and I’m not sure if I’m gonna wanna share with the man from the bowling alley. In fact I know I won’t!
The Handsome man seethes for a moment.
MEGAN
Wow. This stuff sounds like it really works! I’ll take a bathtub full of it!
MIKE BASH
Buy now and I’ll be your boyfriend!
MEGAN
Sign me up!
The handsome man turns to the camera.
MIKE BASH
Desert Ass: Of course there are side effects!
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